Clever Turtles

The only certainty in life is that Americans need their internet time. Some need it for e-mail to keep in contact with their family, others enjoy reading the current on goings across the globe, and some even click away in panic as they watch their previous retirement package melt away in the abyss of a collapsing financial market. Me personally, I like porn.

So coming to Ft. Gordon, one of the first questions out of everyone’s mouth was “Where is the internet.” To our disappointment, there would be no wireless access in the barracks. Not even the option to purchase a terminating device such as a DSL or Cable modem. Instead, we would have to go mobile.

After searching the post for wireless access points, we grew rather lethargic with high priced WiFi spots being the only option available to us. It still amazes me how the Army continues to run high priced monopolies on post. Not necessarily because of its immoral nature, but because the only people they capitalize on are the soldiers themselves. As if they aren’t underpaid already.

Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel. We heard rumor of an internet access point located at the library. Rumors flew like birds of our new found utopia, where all is free and bandwidth is bountiful at speeds of easily 250 KB/s during a busy time.

When my superior sergeant and I arrived on location, there was only one problem to be found. Although the internet was free and plentiful, there was a limited supply of power outlets. I can run on battery for a decent amount of time, but I’d rather not. You never know when you will need to utilize that battery time during an emergency.

As we scurried around looking for other outlets to get our fix, a librarian came up to us to lay down some ground rules. She informed us of different spots that had power outlets, but she informed us that we were not to let any cords lay across the ground for fear of people tripping on them. During our conversation she slipped out, “I know you soldiers will plug into any hole you can find.” Embarrassed, the librarian hastily departed.