Returning to the U.S. always has a weird effect on you. Due to the abrupt culture change, things tend to stick out like a sore thumb that would have gone unnoticed had you never left. The silly little nuances that are seen as everyday life are now seen in a new light. This new light sometimes fills your chest with a tremendous amount of pride for being a part of a young buck civilization that is now the only hyper-power and then there are those things that remind you that our status will not last forever. My answer to the latter, learn Chinese bitches. Just kidding… seriously though.

These days I try to keep myself busy. I’ve probably said this before but, when I am busy I feel productive. When I am productive I feel happy. So working full time, going to school full time, taking Chinese classes on Saturdays, studying for the SATs, and trying to fit the website in between keeps me pretty busy, therefore pretty happy. However, all this productivity is driven by goals in the future which I intend to achieve. Which leaves the question, what if there is no future for me? The fact of the matter is it’s not really my decision when I die. I can try as much as I can to keep myself out of death’s grasp but for the most part, it’s not up to me. Instead it’s in the hands of that idiot in the car next to me. You know the one, the one that can’t figure out how to use his turn signals or pulls out in front of you arbitrarily as you are speeding along on the freeway. The man who lives in a shell and has no idea that there are other people in existence besides him; yes, I am talking about him. If I die by my own hands, I will have died blessed.

A common trend in America seems to be the placement of eulogies in vinyl lettering on the rear end of a vehicle. Now according to my observations, which for the record mean shit, 99% of these eulogies are indicators of a female driver. This percentage can be seen as a direct result of the homosexual population within your area. So for my area, 99% female, 0.5% homosexual, and finally 0.5% homosexual but are really trying to be straight. Sorry neighbor, but the grace of god will not “fix” your “confusion.” Now, the idea of a eulogy on the back of a car is already a tacky idea to me. I don’t really think it is the place to be but perhaps the person died in a car crash. So you want to remind the assholes tail gating behind you that if they don’t stop, they will die too. But they are more likely to just kill someone else really. Now the exploitation of the deceased doesn’t really bother me, I’d still buy a Notorious BIG album. What does bother me is when they decide to append the eulogies on the rear end of a 1983 old rusted P.O.S. Ford Pinto. What a better way to celebrate remembrance than to be associated with your pile of trash you call a vehicle.

Well, since I now accept the idea that I can go at anytime there is one thing that I want my friends to understand very clearly. Do not put my eulogy on the back of your car. I don’t care if you drive a McLaren F1. It would be much better that we just move on with our lives, rather than you doing something tacky with my name. To illustrate my point I’ve constructed a set of diagrams to better understand the situation. I did this because I am fully aware that the ones who will actually end up doing this are not going to take the time to read this article. They’ll need pictures, with big red letters, otherwise they will never get it. So no, I am not talking about you.

If I do die, I want everyone to carry on with their lives. Since we do not get handed the choice of how long we will be allowed to stay, just try to think of one thing. What would those who did die have accomplished had they not? What have you accomplished in their place? Now get off your ass.